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Picture Spongebob for a second. Now, what is the first thing about him that resonates with you? If you are anything like me, you probably instantly imagine his goofy smile, high pitched laugh, and his family history as a contraceptive that dates back thousands of years. Wait, what’s that? You didn’t hear? Yeah, contraceptives are old – Biblically old – and the use of cutesy sea sponges is just scraping the surface of the crazy inventions people have been eating, drinking, and shoving in themselves all in an attempt to have dawn-of-history baby-free sex.

Like most things people take for granted, the first hints of contraceptives, beyond pulling out and hoping for the best, were invented by the ancient Egyptians and Mesopotamians. Their method of choice? Various contraceptive pessaries (objects you insert into the vagina to block semen) made from delicious house-hold items like crocodile dung and acacia gum – talk about a commitment to not committing! Mixing honey and sodium carbonate and spreading it on the outside of the vagina was apparently also popular, but that might just be because the Egyptians enjoyed some sticky foreplay.

The Jewish people, quick to make sure that a good thing didn’t pass them by, jumped on the contraceptive bandwagon at full speed. There are various references in the Bible and the Talmud to people engaging in coitus interruptus as a method of baby prevention. Recognizing that in the throes of passion this situation was not highly reliable, Jews quickly turned to something that just screamed it was ready for action – the sea sponge. Indeed, it was not uncommon for Jewish women to use pieces of sponge, cloth, or wool as a super-early prototype of the diaphragm.

Over in India and China birth control was also a serious matter. One early Chinese physician reportedly prescribed women to drink a mixture of oil and mercury, which had been heated for a day, as a means of inducing sterility – that sounds certain to kill a lot more than any bun in the oven. Ancient Indians, much like the Egyptians, were also a fan of pessaries made from items such as honey, ghee (a type of butter), and…rock salt?! I’ve heard of liking it rough, but that goes above and beyond…

In terms of pure determination to not getting pregnant, however, no one in history can beat the Romans and Greeks. These two groups relied heavily on the use of Silphium, a plant that was known for its contraceptive and abortifacient qualities. I say this plant was known for these qualities due to the fact that it reportedly worked so well that it was harvested to extinction. That’s right, the Romans and Greeks killed off an entire species in the hope to not propagate themselves. Now that is dedication.

Although, don’t think that ridiculous methods went out of style with the scientific revolution. In the late ‘60s Harvard did a study to try to find a douching agent that would also act as a spermicide. Much to everyone’s surprise, they concluded that a quick spray of Diet Coke would ensure that women didn’t have to worry about children.

Just goes to show, no matter how far we come, some people still like it sticky.